Dear Bastard People... With Bloody Bugger Update

Dear Hoardes of People who have traipsed through our pristine, pristine, home and decided that it's "lovely but not what you are looking for." I am trying really hard not to hate or resent you right now, but you see I need a focus for all my pent up frustrations and hostilities and you, faceless people who nose in my cupboards and check to see if my toilets are clean, you, my friends, are complete fucking assholes who do not deserve to cross my threshold, let alone wander into my lovely boys' carefully staged bedrooms that literally scream "this is a happy happy home, and you can BUY this happy happy happiness. Please admire the carefully selected finger paintings as you breathe in the Happy."

I resent the shit that we have to transform our house into a showroom at least three times a week, and although I appreciate that it forces us to keep things tidy, I have never, never, felt the urge to cave to my inner filthy pig more acutely (and yes, Husband, I can hear you right now saying, "what do you mean, inner...?")

Updated to add:
Dear person who expressed such sincere and enthusiastic interest in our minivan. No it was not a pain in the least to photocopy and fax you every single piece of sodding paperwork related to the sodding minivan, piece by piece. And no it was not a pain in the least for my husband to drive out of his way all the way to effing Detroit to let you and your hyper children crawl all over the inside of its plush interior. And no, it was not a pain in the least to go back and forth with you over price and warrantees and all manner of shit, because, "hey. this is a big decision. We understand."

Thank you for your recent email in which you state "We still have not decided... Our style is to mull things over a bit, then we'll either quietly bow out, or we'll be in a hurry again to formalize everything.... 8 ) Please let us know if you get another offer...BLAH FUCKING BLAH"

Is there an emoticon for punching another person's emoticon in the stupid sodding face?

(God. This feels good. I need to slapdown-blog much more often).

for now please to enjoy this this picture of kittens:


Unknown said...

I remember feeling the same way about people who viewed (and criticized) my childhood home. And I especially resented the massive last-minute clean-ups for bastards who didn't bother to SHOW UP.

Your home is lovely. I would love to have a home like yours.

Anonymous said...

ooops, that was me.

Lawyer Mama said...

I felt the same way when we were selling our house. It sucks. Even though you know it's not personal, it's like you are being personally judged and found wanting!

BTW, I know the discussion on BlogRhet has gotten a bit heated, but the discussion is oh-so-important and I am really enjoying reading all the various points of view. (Minus the name calling, of course.)

Amanda said...

Showings blow. Period.

S said...

I don't think I've ever been through a period as stressful as when we showed our first house. One baby, one toddler (like you!), having to drop everything and leave the house on a dime (forget about naps!), and yes, the thought of all those strangers pawing through our stuff. And lest you think I'm being paranoid here, we found evidence of pawing. More than once.

So I really, totally, feel for you. But it WILL pass.

Two Shews said...

Yeah. It sucks. At this point even tho' I really want to move, I have seriously considered just adding on (even though that's totally preposterous) so that I don't have to go through the selling process.

I hope some unsuspecting first-time buyers come and fall completely in love without asking too many questions. Fack. That's how I got STUCK with my house in the first place...

Lady M said...

Good luck with your move!

It was nice to meet you (albeit briefly) at BlogHer. I was there with Kristen in the W lobby on Sunday, while you were telling her good information about boy anatomy . . . ;)

flutter said...

Ack. Intrusive horse crapola. I will bet your house is gorgeous.

Mom101 said...

Notice how I never wrote about our apartment showings in the entire six months we were showing - and not selling? I didn't think I could have managed much more than expletives.

moosh in indy. said...

I can't get over the damn kittens.
Throw one against the wall, that will make you feel better.

Tania said...

so...how do you really feel?

The kittens are a nice touch!

Anonymous said...

Agh! Selling a house is the most dispiriting thing. I hope it sells very soon. I hope it's all smooth sailing from here on out but I know it will work out well soonish if not immediately. Sorry, though!

cinnamon gurl said...

Ok, so I know you're pretty stressed out and all (which totally sucks) but I LOVE: Is there an emoticon for punching another person's emoticon in the stupid sodding face?

Good luck!!

karengreeners said...

lmao! Who's working on that emoticon?

Random Impressions said...

Can I offer you a (strongish) drink?

BOSSY said...

Bossy thinks Breathing helps. Into a bottle of Gin, preferably.

gingajoy said...

flutter, my house IS gorgeous. And as mothergoosemouse can attest, it shows really well on one of those 3d thingies.

bossy, random, et all--liberal amounts of alcohol have been applied. you never need to be concerned on this account. (except for my liver, perhaps....)

Rusti said...

Oh my gosh - I'm so sorry that you are in this situation - and dealing with such asshole people... our house isn't prisine right now, but it doesn't seem to be an issue for anyone except my husband - and to him I say "ah, well...." but our house has been on the market for 2.5 months or so and we haven't even had one phone call yet for anyone to look at it... wonder if we should take it back off the market or not... ah, well, what are you gonna do??

Good luck on selling both the house - AND the minivan!!

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh you poor thing. I hyperventilated just reading that. We are still in our first home (11 years now) and have never been through a sale. I might just die here, because I'm honestly unsure as to whether I could stand the stress without cracking the hell up.

Best of luck to you. I hope someone will see your home for the gem is surely is soon.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Ahhh, yes, the kittens calmed we right down, thanks.

Anonymous said...

I can hear your voice as I read this...and I got chills.

How I wish I could be there with you to give these blokes a dirty look.

Fuck wads.

May your house and possessions sell soon...and at a good price.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

I say skip breathing. Just drink.

And I 5th the statement that your house is lovely.

Anonymous said...

Moving sucks. Selling houses (and gah minivans!) sucks more.

What about this emoticon...

:( @$&&^#@&^ >>>> :)

Okay, I know that was lame but I didn't know how else to help.

Sending you a big virtual drink

mamatulip said...

Oh god. I feel for you, and am eating double chocolate fudge cake in your honour.

The kittens are a nice touch. ;)

b*babbler said...

Oh god. That all sounds so incredibly dreadful. We're thinking about making the leap to sell the house and move, and the thought of people coming through and making judgments about *our* house, our *first* house, that we lovingly (okay, grudgingly) renovated, that we had the Peanut in, that has been our home for 5 years, scares the daylights out of me.

As for the emoticon thing? How about


Hmm... maybe not. Feel free to get violent on my emoticon for more emotional release. :)

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