Ladies with hemorrhoids, stretch marks, and possibly a touch of constipation right now, this one’s for you….

Liz, Tammie, and Christina are all great with child, and several lovely ladies are throwing them a baby shower. Wheeeeee!

Right. So first we are to offer the best ass-vice offered as a new parent.

Let’s see. How about the old “Sleep when the baby sleeps” adage. Excellent in theory but reliant on several crucial variables.

A) that your baby actually sleeps

B) that if your baby sleeps you don’t have anything else you might be needing to do to, you know, actually function in life. Like having a shower, taking a shit, or (ehem) blogging.

C) that if your baby sleeps and you do lay down for a rest, you won’t be laying there tensely attempting to sleep and getting increasingly pissed off because goddamit I am exhausted and why I can’t I just sleep already…

D) you won’t need to sleep because you’re getting plenty of rest at night, thankyouverymuch, because you’re babywise and the baby sleeps all through the night (if it knows what’s good for it). (*snort*)

And next, the best advice offered:

Remember the baby hasn’t read the books, so stop killing yourself and acting like a freak… (thanks, Mum)


Mom101 said...

THANK YOU for being the first ever person to caveat the advice with codicil A. Thalia did not sleep. Ever. Therefore, neither did mama.

This one is even more restless in utero...i'm hoping in this case that active dress rehearsal means sleepy performance?

Christina said...

Liz, are we having the same babies? Mine is also very restless in utero, and Cordy didn't sleep well for the first six months.

But they're all different, right? Right?

(Love the dig on Babywise, too!)

Her Bad Mother said...


WB did not sleep, so I did not sleep. Nor did I shit or shower.

Good times, those were.

slouching mom said...

Yep. Who wants to sleep during the only bit of free time one might ever have in weeks, or days? Not that the time is free, really. It's for writing freakin' thank-you notes. I started wishing people would stop sending baby gifts.

Sleep is overrated, right?

AmandaD said...

Notice how the "s" needs are hard to meet- sleep, sex, shit...and Slouching Mom...what the hell? Thank you cards? In the next life.

Lawyer Mama said...

Sleep? What's that?

mamatulip said...


The first piece of advice I offered was to sleep when the baby sleeps.

LOL. Hey, different strokes for different folks, right?

flutter said...

lmao, beautiful ass-vice

Kaleigh said...

Yea, because when the baby's sleeping you'll have nothing better to do. Because the laundry, dishes, cooking, other child's needs, etc., will all be magically taken care of while you're napping.

Ummmm, NOT!

For what it's worth, I like to take copies of Babywise and put them in the "horror" or "science fiction" areas of the bookstore. But that's just my former anarchist talking.

Mrs. Chicken said...

The Poo USED to sleep. Now she doesn't. Hardly. Ever. At all.

Great advice!

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