How I manage to keep myself awake at night (Or. Five Goals I've largely ignored). PART ONE

Slouching Mom has tagged me for this meme: "What five goals have you largely ignored?"

Allow me to rephrase that:

"So, Joy, what keeps you awake at night? Are you happy? Do you consider yourself a fulfilled person? How do you fail on a monthly, weekly, nay, daily basis? Do tell"

Thanks for the mindfuck, SM.
UH. TOTALLY. (heh)

I should state up front that there is no goal that I have largely ignored as much as Done Nothing About It Whatsoever (Except to Fret Over Having Done Nothing About it Whatsoever).

Goal 1: Lose twenty pounds by summer.


Remember earlier in the year, when I was all, like, "here's a post where I casually reference that I am going to the gym! Hey! And here's another one! I am SOOOO energetic and crazy fit! Whoop-de-whoooo! GOODBYE PREGNANCY POUNDS!!!"

So. I've not been the the gym in about 5 weeks, and the fleshly hula-hula skirt is still a swingin'. Oh. And I might be the only postpartum woman alive who actually loses the weight after 10 weeks, and then slowly but surely piles it back on again. And surely the milk-bag titties only account for 10lbs (each) of that weight???? Right????

I also have several false starts in sparkpeople.com where I obsess over their calorie counter. I became QUEEN of the calorie counter. For a week. And then comes the weekend of binge eating and (cough) drinking, and uh, who wants to actually write that stuff down and see it all in print, y'know? So, uh, let's forgeddaboutit. Forever.

This week is the week though. I have roped in a friend, and we're having weekly weigh ins. We are both horribly shallow and unmotivated, and so need some sort of accountability--i.e. Monday Morning Email of Shame. To use her phrase. "I've got to do something. My stomach is trying to reach out and touch someone.." It's trying to reach out and touch mine, Jen. In fact. I think they were making out on Saturday night. (How was it for you?)

And for the record. I am not a freak about this. I simply want to approximate 150lbs and have a size twelve fit comfortably. I also plan to keep enjoying my food with my accustomed gluttony, uh, I mean gusto. And no one is taking my wine. (Bitch).

I just think I could do without standing in the kitchen mindlessly chowing down the Boy's Easter basket. I mean, I have succumbed to binge-eating Brach's candy, forchrissakes. BRACHS!!! WHERE DID MY STANDARDS GO????

(for the record, Yanks. Your candy is for shit. There. I've said it.)

(OK. Except for Jelly Bellies)

(Oh. And Good N Plenty)

(Dove's not too bad either)

(Not that I eat those things)

Anyhooo. Moving on. I am supposed to do five. But I cannot sustain the freakish pace I've established for myself.

Part Deux tomorrow....


slouching mom said...

You made it your own, baby. You took that sucker meme and just twisted it around your little finger, didntcha?

My stomach is trying to reach out and touch someone.

Your friend Jen, she is funny lady. Sadly, I know just what she means. Soon people are going to ask me if I am pregnant with my third.

Meanwhile, Good N Plenty? Divine.

Can't wait to read Part 2!

Christina said...

You're not the only one - I gained 20 pounds during my first pregnancy, lost it all right after birth, and then managed in the first year to put it all back on. Plus it brought along 10 more pounds to join the party.

Bon said...

i eat those things. and i love them.

and i'm still all hott about myelf for that one time i went to the gym back in 2004.

why achieve your goals? what's left? ;)

Marmite Breath said...

Brachs can suck it. They are sad, sad excuse for sweeties!

(I'm not judging though--because I actually ate generic chocolate mini eggs and they were foul, but did I stop eating them even though they tasted like ass? No)

This time in two weeks I'll be snarfling down Double Deckers and Flakes like there's no tomorrow. And proper eclairs from a bakery (proper eclairs as opposed to pathetic attempt by donut shops to replicate eclairs. They are made with choux pastry, for God's sake. And filled with fresh cream! Not made out of donut dough and filled with bland chocolate filling. (end rant here)

But nah, no unfulfilled goals for me. (says Nat, looking wistfully at a closet of clothes for a tiny lady). I wonder why?

Tracysan said...

"Fleshly hula hula skirt"--good GOD that's funny! (Wiping away tears of mirth whilst my own hula hula skirt jiggles) OK, now I need to go eat some candy.

cinnamon gurl said...

Oh no you're not the only postpartum woman to lose the weight and gain it all back. I think breastfeeding and severe sleep deprivation make me eat eat eat.

Oh, The Joys said...

Pass the Cadbury Fruit & Nut please...

flutter said...

thanks for testing my bladder control. Now that I've almost peed myself...

My gut is so big it has its own congressman.

Lawyer Mama said...

Yeah, I lost the pounds and then they came back and brought some friends. I'll probably still be calling it my "baby weight" 10 years from now!

Amanda said...

Damnit, you just are that good. Continually disappointed in life until you. Like a child standing at the water's edge, eyes closed, gentle surf lapping at my toes. I smile contentedly and sigh. All is just so. Calm. At peace. Happy. And then, in a moment, I am hit with a bracing wall of water that crashes over me leaving me soaked from ankle to ass. Droplets of water weigh down my lashes and I am hysterical with laughter. You sneak up on me with your, yes-I-am-that-good-you-are-damn-well-going-to-laugh soul satisfying entries.

My god, bellies making out...too exhuasted by the pace you set. You dazzle me. Joy, indeed. I'm also a bit glum because I was tagged as well. How will I ever feel anything but dull next to this razor sharp wit?

NotSoSage said...

So, one of goals 2 through 5 must be finishing this post.

I'm glad to learn I'm not the only one who dropped the weight and then skyrocketed back up again. I remember putting on a pair of jeans two months postpartum and thinking, "Ha! They told me it would take a year!" Those jeans are now ripped because I tried to desperately to do them up sometime last year that the seams gave. Nice.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I MUST throw AWAY all the Easter Candy. My kids have forgotten it ALL, it is ME who eats it! Ugh!!!

I've been paying for a gym membership for well over a year and haven't gone at all. Smart.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I came home from the hospital after giving birth the same weight as when I conceived. Two years later? Yeah. Not that same weight anymore. I thought I was the only person that put on weight after the baby came.

And Brach's? Old lady candy.

Mary G said...

Joy, this is perfect. Absolutely! I am still giggling. Yeah, she got you SM. Cannot wait until tomorrow!
And I just ate a whole chocolate bar. Nuts!

Elizabeth said...

Oh, it's those Cadbury Fruit and Nut bars that DO ME IN.

Remember how I was going to lose 40 pounds before I turned 40? How I even gave myself 40 weeks to do it so I could safely and easily lose a pound a week? And then I was going to lose 40 pounds once I turned 40?


Mad Hatter said...

You are funny. I now weigh about 10 pounds more than I did when I was 9 month pregnant. Everyone tells you about pregnancy weight. Nobody tells you about infant/toddler coping weight. My destruction lies in the humble potato chip. Mmmmm. salt. fat.

Oh to be a comfortable size 12 again.

BTW, I kinda, sorta didn't tag you for a meme at my place. Drop by to see what's what.

Kelly said...

Breastfeeding was the equivalent of marathon jogging for me, but now that my Lillian is weaned, I somehow have to account for the 500 calories I am no longer burning through the oh-so-aerobic qualities of making enough milk to feed a small country.

Anonymous said...

Mindless eating, now you're talking MY language.

Antonia said...

Has everyone finished reading this post and moved on to the more recent one? Good. In that case I'll admit to weighing my boobs (or attempting to) on the postal scales, just to see how much of the post-baby weight they counted for. Sadly, the answer was not enough, and I had a "what the fuck are you doing? Look at yourself" moment that caused me to sit in a dark room and think about what I'd done.

Initially, my baby weight fell straight off. Then I ate and ate and ate and ate to fuel the breastfeeding, and I ate too much. Oh God it's boring, trying to lose weight.