And this one's about my dog. Yeah. That's right.

Since February, when I announced that our vet recommended an Ostrich and Rutabaga diet for our faithful lab, my email In Box has been flooded with inquiries as to her health and well being.* We have been touched by your concern, and would like to share with you this official update on The Dog's progress.

You'll remember, of course, that before we were forced to completely lose our nuts and start shopping for roadkill in Australia or wherever-the-hell Ostriches (or Emu) happen to be in cheap and plentiful supply, we were first given the option of feeding her an allergen-free food called Your Child's College Fund (YCCF).
Well, YCCF is apparently not price high enough for whatever malodorous pestilence has descended on our pooch, now positively riddled with yeast and bacteria, a nasty ear infection, and smelling, quite unpleasantly, of Dorritos. She was pronounced as "diseased" by the specialist vet the Husband took her too this week. Nice. And apparently we can't give her away for medical experiments, so we're faced with Plan Not-Quite B.

So yesterday, I found myself on the phone to several Meats Suppliers (that's "Meats" and not "Meat." Just so you know) inquiring as to where I can score me some "Low grade Lamb meat, for stewing. Cheap..." I am pleased to report that I managed to negotiate quite a deal with a certain "Dr. Beef," no questions asked, and the Husband had the pleasure of hauling the hacked up carcass home.

At this very moment, he is boiling up great vats of it on our stove, periodically skimming off the fat as the vet instructed. The whole process, apparently, is "revolting." Hopefully revolting enough to actually work; the poor dog is in misery and right now we're looking at several hundred bucks a month in meats alone.... We are told this is just a temporary measure for now, but we could end up having to do this for the rest of The Dog's life.

We shall, of course, keep you apprised as to her progress. Thank you for your kind wishes in this challenging time.

(And if any of you folks have dealt with something similar with your dog, TELL ME. Jokes aside, this is too expensive. Too expensive to be funny, really. But we're not on the Ostrich yet, so I should probably shut up).

*No one wrote to inquire actually. I think this is cold. Bastard People.


Jennifer said...

So, Paulie and Christopher won't be delivering the "meat" to your home?

I, too, at one time had to feed my dear doggy YCCF food. Not fun.

slouching mom said...

Oh, my.

Meats suppliers. And bastard people. I am still laughing. Jack just asked me what was so funny. I said, "Just a grown-up joke." And he sighed, "I knew you were going to say that."

Ouch. To be predictable to a five-year-old, that's just wrong.

wordgirl said...

Wish I knew. Our dogs live outside and, as far as I know, have not suffered from what you describe. Poor doggie.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh my. That does sound thoroughly unpleasant. But, you're a good doggie mama. We're cat peopl here, but I have done some similarly disgusting and expensive things to keep them alive. Husband has, at times, attempted to be all authoritarian and declared "We are not spending one more dime on that damned CAT!!" but of course, when a child is weeping inconsolably, $1200 is chump change.

I hope your doggie gets to feeling better soon, and I hope that you don't have to do the meat thing for the rest of his life. Ick.

Kaleigh said...

My dog is allergic to corn. Yes, corn. And what is the #1 or #2 ingredient in almost every dog food on earth? Yep. Corn. EXCEPT! The Costco brand dog food. It has no corn, and ever since we discovered it, my dog looks gorgeous. Still stinky, though. I think that's just part of being an old dog that likes to lick himself. All the time.

And viz. "Bastard people." Are you a "Waiting for Guffman" fan as well? My hubs and I use that phrase all the time at our house.

Bon said...

eeeew. meats does seem significantly different from meat, somehow.

and "bastard people" got me all "Waiting for Guffman" beside myself, but i see Kaleigh has already beat me all to hell with her coolness, so i'll just say "gee, erm, didn't the dog get our cards?"

Julie Pippert said...



We have BTDT!

When we moved to the Republic here our dog (and me too) came down with Horrible Terrible Neverending Mysterious Ailment.

After much medical intervention---also intriguingly called Your Child's College Fund, wonder if it's related to the food?---we determined allergies.

Our dog also happens to be a lab, now 7 years old.

We had the whole yeast, ears, etc.

Got the same diet, etc. as your vet told you.

Wow, total flashback.

Anywho...two years later and we are golden, and buy the cheap food at Petco (well, not the cheapest but you know, cheapest natural) and are not boiling any more chicken or bunnies.

Otomax for ears and keep ears clear

Vitamins rich in Omega 3 fatty acids

No more food from kids

If you want mroe details feel free to email me and I'll get my husband to detail the whole program.

Our lab is 100% again. And without a high-maintenance life (or a mega expensive one).

(And me? Luckily I am having similar success, albeit I don't think quite as good or else I whine more...)

doow said...

Have you tried feeding the dawg a Snickers?
I can always eat one of those when I'm feeling poorly. And they're fairly cheap too. Even the king size ones. Though, living in America you probably also have access to Hummer-sized Snickers bars.

Mrs. Davis said...

Haven't been through this with a pet, but the reference to Meats Suppliers reminds me of the shop where we get our meat -- House of Meats. It's a fabulous place, but I laugh at the name every time I go there.

Lawyer Mama said...

Meats. Mmmmm. Nummy.

Sorry, I have cats. I'm not much help with dogs. My oldest cat however is also on YCCF. My grandmother use to boil chicken breasts for her dog every. single. day. HAD to be white meat for some reason.

"Bastard people." tehe

Elizabeth said...

Aww, your poor doggie!

ozma said...

I'm sorry I didn't write to inquire!

But wow I'm keeping my fingers crossed there will be a less expensive option discovered soon. You guys are heroes.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Ick. Haven't gone through anything like this with my pooches. Yet.

(fingers crossed)

But I feel your pain. In other ways. Oy, the vet bills.

Look into the BARF diet (no, I'm not kidding. It's an acronym for... something.) I wouldn't do it myself - because, eeww - but I know people who swear by it.

Joel said...

So sorry for you and your pooch. We haven't been through anything quite like this although for a time, thanks to a certain pup's (who shall remain nameless at this juncture for fear of retribution) fragile digestive system, we were making their food on a weekly basis. Our task was far easier than yours, however, as all ingredients could be found at the good old A&P down the street.

Good luck!

Redneck Mommy said...

Geez Joy, if I'd have known about the damn dog, I would have inquired. No need for name calling.

Now on to the freaky diet of your doggie...I can't help you. But does it make you feel better or worse to know that I get all the free beef and lamb a person could ever want?

It helps marrying a rancher and marrying into his ranching family.

No, I suppose that doesn't make you feel better, eh?

Oh, well. After reading your post, I find odd comfort in it.

Good luck with your pooch. And I mean your dog, not that extra roll of flab around your middle.

Wink, wink.

Crunchy Carpets said...

Pets huh? We love me right?

We have been told our cat who just lost it's colon has irritable bowel disease and we have to meet the vet to discuss diets and medication.

mothergoosemouse said...

I know pets bring peace and tranquility to our lives, but boiling meats and skimming fats doesn't sound all that tranquil to me. I'll stay pet-free for now.

I do hope your doggie feels better soon - good enough to eat Purina (or IAMS at the very most).

mamatulip said...

Dang...the things we do for our pets.

This post reminds me of a bush party I went to on an emu farm when I was in college. There I was, totally shitfaced, chasing emu's around, trying to make the same weird thumping sound in my throat that they were making in theirs.

Good times.

Mimi said...

oh dear. we have to forcefeed our cat personality pills every second day, so i've got nothing in the way of sunshine for you. unless you want the pills ...


flutter said...

Oh. Honey.

There are several things I felt, all simultaneously and one of them is nausea. "meats" *shiver*

In terms of yeast control, lots of oregano.

Sandra said...

Oh My. Meats. Expensive meats. I wish I had something comforting to say ... it sounds awful. And the word meats sounds a little gross.

Hope things get more fun (and less expensive) soon.

NotSoSage said...

Too funny. And gross. Poor doggie.

I will tell you that emu farms are not uncommon in Canada (Quebec and BC, specifically)...if you're desperate, you might find a supplier who doesn't have to fly the meat in from down under...

Mamma said...

Missed the back story so I apologize if I'm not on the right track...we had a retriever who was allergic to everything. But we put her on allergy shots and it was not as expensive or time consuming as making her fresh food.

It's hard when you love your pets so much.

BlogWhore said...

oh, yeah! soprano's deli.

oh, and the dog, that's the whole reason for the post, right?

yeah, that's a bummer. wal-mart doesn't carry ostrich?

binkytown said...

But I did care! I just forgot I cared! To be fair, it's not like you reminded us. On a daily basis. Which even then I might still have forgotten about. Because Im old. What was I talking about?

Leslie said...

I feed my dog a trout and sweet potato diet, give her skin 3V suppliments (omega3s), and give her allergy shots once a week. It helps.