2.07.2007

Tag Me Stupid. Six Weird and Otherwise Unknown Things About Me

I think I may have done this meme before. It is the meme that will not die. Which, as an arsy academic interested in social-networking theory, I think is rather interesting, ack-chully. But I digress. And as there are many many disturbing and odd things about me, it was not hard to rustle up another list that would no doubt alienate a good portion of my readers.

Here you go, Jenni:

1. I have translucent eyelashes. If this season's look was "Powder with a red wig" I'd be drop dead. As it is, I have had a psychotic attachment to my mascara wand since the mid 80s (when it was then "Electric Blue" and for a short while "Hot Pink" the latter of which is not a good look for a teenage girl with peachy bleached out hair. Nothing says "I am riddled with conjunctivitis. And acne. Will you be my friend?" better.) If you ever meet me--whatever time of day--it is highly unlikely you will see the naked truth of my soft-boiled egg eyes. Instead, it will be softboiled egg eyes with a nice spiky frame of max-factored lashes. Even at a 9am "cardio buffet" class--because, seriously, 3-ways mirrors.

2. I have a Wrinkly Flesh Apron. This is not weird in and of itself (especially for an 11 week postpartum lady like m'self). But yesterday, as I bounced around the fully-mirrored room with the fine ladies of my kickboxing class and watching that thing flap around like my own personal hula-hula skirt, I felt weird.

3. I have a big fat brown birthmark on my left bum-cheek. It is trés erotique. Recently my son asked me if that was "poo-poo on my booty-butt."


4. There's a monster under my bed. Well. There isn't. But for some unfathomable reason, I cannot let my hand or foot dangle down when lying in bed. If I do this accidentally, my heart actually races and I snatch it back before whatever is under there can yank me by the foot and drag me into its monstrous lair.

5. I can take a man down at 100 feet with the force of my boob-spray right now. If I was a superhero, I'd be The Lactactor.

6. I don't puke. Not since I was 11 years old. I actually developed a pathological fear of puking which meant that any time I felt I was going to chuck-up I would "talk myself down." This was all fine and good until the College Years when a night on a toxic medley of beer, hard cider, and you-name-it-I'll-drink-it-slash-snort-it would have me just begging my body to let it go. Nope. Those were some hangovers. You'd think that contracting salmonella some years later would have broken the stalwart. But nope. Now I often dream of the relief of a good yak.

And now for the evil tagging....

Her Bad Mother. There must be something weird about her she's not told us.
Mom-101. Oh yes I did. Uh Huh.
Motherhood Uncensored. What? You think having an infant and a billion small business ventures to run exempts you?
The Mike Stand. For old time's sake, buddy. For old time's sake....




15 comments:

Woman with kids said...

LOL, your superhero powers are amazing. When breastfeeding, I could drown small villages if I went bra-less.

Her Bad Mother said...

Number four is not weird. Not at all. Monsters (and trolls, and maniacs) DO live under beds. Everybody knows that. Keeping hands and feet up is just good common sense.

Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, and I'm seeing your tag, and will be raising you a bitch-slap.

xo

sween said...

Love this quote:

"Nothing says 'I am riddled with conjunctivitis. And acne. Will you be my friend?' better."

Hee.

mamatulip said...

You don't puke?!

Not even when newly pregnant?!

And the whole birthmark and your son asking you about it cracked me RIGHT UP. LOL!

BlogWhore said...

I have the belly bulge, too. TRY EIGHT MONTHS later. When does it go away? Seriously?!?! When?!?!?

Oh shit, I am in tears now. Excuse me for a moment while I pull myself together.



That was great. Thank you for that deep look into your world.

Jess Riley said...

Oh god, I hate puking. I wish I could exert mind-over-matter effort like this.

neva said...

are we related? because, despite the fact that i do NOT have red hair, i DO have those eyelashes. may i recommend LANCOME DÉFINICILS? tres magnifique ('course, it's a bitch to get off, but then, that's what their remover is for) xox

Mimi said...

Hi! I'm new here. The meme that won't go away passed from HBM to me.

First off, I am also entirely puke free. And I had salmonella in October so bad that (ahem) I did an entire laundry load of pyjama pants. But. I. Did. Not. Puke. Nice to be part of the sisterhood.

Second, ur, off, can I sub you on crime-solving sprees as The Lactator? Eight months into breastfeeding, I'm still hollering FOCUS! FOCUS! to Miss Baby while every time she turns her head, the wall gets sprayed and the husband ducks out of the way. Nice!

Good luck with the monsters!

Mimi said...

Hi! I'm new here. The meme that won't go away passed from HBM to me.

First off, I am also entirely puke free. And I had salmonella in October so bad that (ahem) I did an entire laundry load of pyjama pants. But. I. Did. Not. Puke. Nice to be part of the sisterhood.

Second, ur, off, can I sub you on crime-solving sprees as The Lactator? Eight months into breastfeeding, I'm still hollering FOCUS! FOCUS! to Miss Baby while every time she turns her head, the wall gets sprayed and the husband ducks out of the way. Nice!

Good luck with the monsters!

MsPrufrock said...

Uh, I still do number four as well. I wouldn't dare stand at the bed with my feet creeping underneath the frame at all.

I also don't like sleeping with my feet exposed. It's the same principle.

Elizabeth said...

I'm still planning to make it to Cardio Buffet one of these days, despite the horror of wrap-around mirrors. Try to avert your eyes from the horror that is my wrinkly flesh apron, 'kay?

And number four? Hell YEAH there's something under there. Which is why my mattress and boxspring now reside on a wood frame my husband made that sits directly on the floor. I'm not giving those damn monsters any help.

slouching mom said...

After two C-sections, I've got a plus-size wrinkly flesh apron. It's so bad that I've got to pick it up in order to wash myself. So every morning I am mortified anew in the shower. Ahh, the betrayal of our bodies...

slouching mom said...

After two C-sections, I've got a plus-size wrinkly flesh apron. It's so bad that I've got to pick it up in order to wash myself. So every morning I am mortified anew in the shower. Ahh, the betrayal of our bodies...

AmandaD said...

I just did this one too, and while I didn't share about the precision of my lacta-guns, I did mention a bit about getting the milk to flow in a pump.

I wish I'd had your anti-puking power last spring in the carpeted lobby of my work at 8.5 months pregnant. Oy.

If you're bored and have 2.5 minutes: my 6 weird things.