In Another Life I Was A Pack Mule...

I bet this B'yatch's tits don't leak in the senior staff meeting...

Yes. I am pumping. And if by "style" the manufacturers mean pulling that au current beast-of-burden look as I hurriedly schlep my pump and Other Items (see below) to the snow-covered car at 8am (ish) then I am stylin.'
Aforesaid Other Items include, but are not limited too...

a) Sterile(ish) bottles to pump in [CHECK]
b) Bags to store milk in [CHECK]
c) Permanent marker to Carefully Label Milk Bags [CHECK]
d) Freezer pack for milk storage [CHECK]
e) Spidey Lunchbox [CHECK]
f) Spidey Backpack [CHECK]
g) Snow Pants for Big Boy [CHECK]
h) Clean underwear (for Big Boy) [CHECK]
i) 2 gloves for Big Boy (that's TWO gloves. Not one) [CHECK]
j) Hat (not wet) [CHECK]
k) Scarf (not wet) [CHECK]
l) Snowboots ("Shit! We left your snowboots at school. OK wear your shoes. Don't walk on the snow! Ok. Well only walk on flattened snow. I SAID ONLY WALK ON FLATTENED SNOW!!!!")
m) Clean underwear (for Mommy--see above on "tits leaking...") [CHECK]
n) Mommy's lunchbox [CHECK]
o) Milk for Baby [CHECK]
p) Carefully labelled bottles for Baby [CHECK]
q) Carefully labelled blankies for Baby [CHECK]
r) Carefully labelled spare clothes for Baby [CHECK]
s) 100 Pacifiers (in case he loses one) for Baby. Carefully labelled. [CHECK]
t) Excercise Bag for Mommy???? [Hmmm. Nah. I'll think I'll work out next year]
u) Laptop for Mommy [CHECK]
v) Purse and briefcase for Mommy [CHECK]
w) Car seat for Baby [CHECK]
x) Baby ["Hmmm. Baby. Baby! Jack! JACK! Where did I put your brother???"]
y) Item for show and tell that begins with "C"

Mommy: "How about Car?"
Jack: "Nope."
"How about Carrots!!!!"
"Uhh. Nope.
"How about COINS?" [jangles spare change jar]
"No thank you Momma"
[mommy looks desparately about kitchen as clock keeps ticking]
"How about this????" [brandishes red wine stained cork from last night]
"Cooo-ool" [boy snatches stained cork before Mommy has chance to rethink idea of sending him to preschool with evidence of parental booze addictions...]

z) Sanity [Left firmly at the door]

Disclaimer: I should add that some mornings I have a partner in crime in all this madness. Their Father. But the selfish bastard has gone and got himself a punishing work schedule this semester, which means I get to do the schlepping alone. This aloneness adds more dramatic impact to my story. And, of course, I make up for his absence by whining about the fact and sniping at him as soon as he gets home late at night.


jon deal said...

As long as "Baby" is in there somewhere, you're OK. :-]

Mayberry said...

Yet another reason (g through l) why winter sucks. As if we don't have enough crap to ferry back and forth.

BlogWhore said...

love this post.

why the hell are u schleping backs and markers everywhere?

do what I do, fill the bottles are work and transfer it into the bags at home. screw carrying more than u need. plus, those bags break in transit. and if u thought leaky titties were bad, try leaking a full bag of milk.

i feel u!

Sheri said...

oh, i love this post, all the way down to the lettered share day item, which we too are often wildly coming up with on the way out the door. "Q" day nearly killed us.

anyway, i can so relate to all of it.

ozma said...

Wow. Oh my God. You sound more competent than I am with one child, though. I've forgotten all those items at one point or another!

Second child? Maybe not.

Jen said...

I'm only laughing because I am right there with you. Really.

mamadaisy said...

i am SO glad i don't have to deal with snow -- otherwise my checklist is about the same as yours, but not nearly as funny.

for the past two weeks i've forgotten to pack a show-and-tell item and had to grab something random from the car. usually there is enough crap in there to choose from, but we are scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

best of luck!

ksmce said...

Oh, I am so right there with you...

and you know what the very bestest part is? ...bringing it all back in at night in the dark and in the cold

A suggestion for the pumping stuff... leave as many things possible at work and also pump directly into the bags (use long twist-ties to secure them to the handles). I kept a box of the bags at work and not having to deal with bottles each day was helpful.

Hugs to you, strong mommy - thank you for the wonderful post!

neva said...

i'd tell you to enjoy this time, because as they get older, it only gets more difficult -- but i'm afraid you'd come to my house and bitch slap me, in hopes of getting me to take it back.

trust me -- THESE are the good times. sort of. more or less. (just wait 'til they're driving and/or regaling you with tales of tossing back shots and/or smoking pot.) sigh. i want my babies back. xox

Lisa b said...

yummy mummy. Its all so glam
at least you make time for a glass of wine. great show and tell.

Kevin Charnas said...

I need a drink.

Kevin Charnas said...

care to join me?

sweatpantsmom said...

My kids are older, but the schlepping never stops. The other day I found a half-eaten candy cane and a dirty sock in my purse. (No, they weren't mine.)

Mocha said...

I think I'm leaking from reading this. Can't tell you where.

Stefanie said...

From what I hear, this goes on until about 3rd grade. God, I hope not.

Her Bad Mother said...

That beeyatch DOESN'T HAVE TITS. What the fuck is up with ads for BF crap that feature models who are only handfuls of years off the tit themselves?

Sorry. PMS. Love the cork.

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We're looking for bloggers willing to be our first!

Mom101 said...

How very timely of you Joy...a cocktail mommy show and tell theme. I'm calling Meredith Viera, stat.

binkytown said...

Damn that's a lot of crap. Are your shoulders sore yet? Bet you need to go for a massage..

themikestand said...

I often refer to whomever has more gear when moving from van-to-house as The Sherpa, and if it's not, me, I affect a demanding tone while pressing for said Sherpa to "hurry on up with that stuff, y'hear?"

Mimi said...


sorry for the swearing. are you sure you're not me? the main comedy routine is this house is Mommy Leaves for Work ... 45 minutes later than planned.

and I have a love /hate reln with the medela pump-in-style ...